I cannot tell you how many times I started writing, editing, and then deleting the drafts for my latest blog post. It is LONG overdue, about 5 months, to
be exact. And simply being
realistic, it may not even be one that is read, as I am no longer in “missions”
and so I do not have supporters potentially keeping up with the latest of where
I am and what I am doing. I guess
that is partially why I did not feel the “need” to post another update to my
blog. However, I do feel that for
my own mental health, I need to put something down “on paper” for a sense of
closure.
I am now back in the States. I have been back going on 6 months now. It is crazy because it both feels like
just yesterday, and forever ago that I was back in Cambridge running around like
a mad woman attempting to keep my sanity while planning and overseeing the
Gathering. (I’ll explain what the
Gathering is in a bit.) I think
part of why this post has been so difficult for me is because I really did LOVE
what I did. I loved who I worked
with. And even better, I loved who
I worked FOR. (That’s the Big Man, Jesus Christ, if you just randomly clicked
on this, and it is the first post you are reading.) To be honest, I did not want any of it to change. I had such a sinking feeling in my heart
as I was packing up to go home.
Ha, honesty hour here, the night before I left, I ducked out of the
house for a bit to go on my typical clearing of my head, talking to God walk. And, I may or may not have been
sobbing. I was so confused. I had NO IDEA what I was supposed to be
doing next, or where I was supposed to be going. I had FINALLY found a place that I truly felt I could call
home. But my darn Visa was only
good for another day, so back to the States I went.
When I got back to the house that night after my walk, my
family, aka my team, had planned one of the meals that I LOVED, during dinner,
they all went around the table saying their favorite memory with me, all 17 of
them who lived in the houses. If
that was not a way to feel loved, I don’t know what is. Then they gave me a card, which they
all signed, and then my fellow staff gave me an AMAZING Cambridge University
sweatshirt so that each time I wore it, I would remember them. Just typing this up now, makes me miss
them and that beautiful city so much.
The thing was, that I was originally planning on just being
back in the States for a few short months, just to raise support for my next
year back in Cambridge. So that
goodbye was just supposed to be for a little bit. (Little did I know, that could have been potentially the
last time I would ever be seeing some, if not all of them) The next morning when my cab arrived
most of my team members got up bright and early, even though they did not need
to be up for another couple of hours, and said their goodbyes and sent me
off. The time had come. As I was talking to my cab driver on
the way down to Heathrow, I started getting a feeling of peace. I did not know exactly why I felt that
peace, but it was there.
So, the plane ride home. Now, typically on the planes, I choose to read a book, or
listen to music, or design a house, or even color (Yes, I bring coloring books
on planes sometimes) instead of watching the “free” films they have for us to
watch to pass the time. However, this
time, I was like you know what, I’m going to watch a movie, and guess
what! The screens in my section of
seating on the plane were NOT working.
At first, I was a little frustrated, but then I was like you know what,
one of the reasons I love traveling so much is because when you are on the
plane, you have nothing else you can actually be doing, so you don’t have to
feel guilty for reading a book for pleasure! So, I pulled out a book that my dear friend gave me the
previous night.
While reading this book, that peace that I felt in the cab
on the way to the airport came back, but even stronger. I began feeling that maybe I was
supposed to stay in the States for a bit longer than I originally planned. That thought definitely felt like it
was coming from someone else who was not me! If any of you spoke to me within the past few months of
living in Cambridge, you would know that I was so set to live in Cambridge for
the rest of my life. So, the
thought of moving back to (random strange town name), Pennsylvania was not even
close to the top of my priority list.
I mean sure, I did miss lots of my friends and family back in the
States, but the fact that I was thinking about staying there was quite shocking
to me. And seriously, with my love
of Cambridge and the people there, how the heck could that thought have been
from me? I totally did not want to
move back to the States.
I am a true believer that God orchestrates everything the
way He does for a reason. To this
day, I am still trying to figure out why it is that He is having me stay
here. I am not delusional; I do
not believe that I am above misunderstanding where God wants me. (which is a
whole other post in itself. I have
had lots of thoughts lately about the statement, “where God wants me” or “what
God has for me”. But I will get to that later). I do not believe that I
understand everything, or that I get everything right, but I do truly believe
that I am here in Pennsylvania for a reason. Unfortunately, I sometimes forget to enjoy the ride that He
takes us on along the way. I need
to remember to do so. This is
something that I have been trying to focus on lately. (As I am sitting outside on a beautiful sunny day, sitting
next to my pool)
The world will never be a perfect place. We will always have pain, we will
always have suffering, we will always have loneliness as long as we are on this
Earth, so there is no reason to focus on all that negativity and let it ruin
us. We should instead focus on
living every day that we have here on this messed up, yet beautiful world to
the fullest. Work hard at your
job, do everything you can to succeed at it, but make sure to enjoy life while
you are at it. We are given one chance
at this life. What type of legacy
do you want to leave behind?
Do you want to leave behind a legacy of being known for
negativity, complaining, laziness, and have everyone remember you as having
been a selfish person who lived for themselves? Or, do you want to leave behind
a legacy of being known for people not being able to help but be curious about
you. A legacy where people said
they had to wonder what the heck it was about you that was different, and where
they couldn’t help but want to get to know you? Obviously, you can probably tell where I am going with this
thought, but when you choose to live your life fully surrendered (yet again,
another topic for another day) to God, that second, more positive, life tends
to occur as a natural response.
Choosing that life does not mean that you never get sad,
hurt, or upset, at all. In fact,
it tends to be a pretty tough life.
It means going against most social norms. It means choosing to resist things that may be a natural
human reaction or response to a situation. It means “giving up” what once appeared to be an attractive
way to live. However, it is a life
that you get to live serving a God, a King, a Creator, who loves you soo
unbelievably much that His love for you just shines straight through you and is
actually that “difference” that people were “attracted” to and wanted to know
more about. I want to be able to
leave that legacy that people knew that I, without wavering, lived my life for
Christ.
Haha funny thing about saying that I want to leave that
legacy almost sounds proud, or selfish, or entitled. It makes it seem that I want it to be all about me, and that
I want people to be attracted to ME. But in fact, when you do actually successfully live that
life, you realize and acknowledge that it really does not matter what others
actually think of you at all. And
truth be told, it is not necessarily about people being attracted to you, the
human. It is about more and more
people being attracted to Jesus.
Man how hard is that?
Anymore in this world we live, with all the social media, and instant,
public responses to each thing that you do throughout your day, it is hard to
truly live out not caring about what those on this Earth think about you, but
rather than what God thinks of you.
Goodness, here I am rambling again. But hey anymore this is just a blog for me, so well who
cares, right?
So anyways, here I am, half a year later, fumbling through
life as us humans do, trying to make sense of my time overseas. I guess not necessarily make sense of
it, but more so digest it. This
has been six of my toughest months in my 25 years of life. (And there have been quite a few crazy
ones) I am not going to lie, there
were times that I just really did not feel like getting up the next day. There were times when I felt like I
wasted almost two years of my life (leading up to, then during my time with
YWAM). And the scariest of all,
there were times when I did not believe that God was real. Even typing that now sends anxiety
throughout my body. It is
seriously the scariest thoughts ever to have gone through my mind. I never again want to feel that way,
and I do not wish that upon anyone!
I completely felt like walking away from it all. I was so done with all of the hypocrisy
that came with “Religion” and with the people that make up the Church. But then, I was reminded that Religion
and the Church are both made up of HUMANS. So, yes, there will definitely be messed up shit in them and
all throughout them. Humans are
messed up, screwed up beings. God
however, is bigger than and better than anything humans can destroy. He is bigger than anything going on in
our world. Heck he made the
freaking thing, so He totally has this. My point? Well,
not too sure, but I guess I’m trying to round out this post, so point being,
these past few months in my transition back to the States and the “real world”
(aka not living on a missions base) has sucked and been quite difficult. HOWEVER, I KNOW that this is all
working out for some greater purpose, so I can find joy in that. I know that I am coming out stronger on
the other side of this, and I know that God will never let me go. So, in that, I find Peace.
Until Next Time Friends.
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